Biography

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Clipper was actually separated at birth form the rest of his sibling & raise in the wild by a pack of northwest timber wolves. (He still refers to them as Mommy & Dadums.) While with his adopted family he learned the skills it would take to survive in the world. Such as how to set a table and don’t wear stripes with plaids.

Because of this odd upbringing his socials skills are challenged. However while in the wilderness he did find that his learned tendencies for rage, hostility and the taste of raw meat could be squelched by his inherent sense of humor.

His surrogate parents were unfortunately killed in a freak wicker accident.

These emotional scares have never healed & Clipper lives with this pain everyday. He has been quoted as saying, “The dreams are coming less & less. But it still hurts.” He then ate the interviewer. Weeks later he was found by a boy scout troup draped in the interviewers skin. Ever since he has really liked show-tunes and we can't place why and the boy scout troup still send him christmas cards.

When he finally rejoined his brother he was put in the freak show were he prospered eating the heads off of gingerbread men. That career came to a tragic end when he developed an allergy to the frosting. To this day he still gets a little wonky during the holiday season.

Carnival life was perfect for the young Clipper. Fleecing the fat cats, cheating the gap tooth, slack jawed, booger eating hicks in small towns and of course, wallowing in his own filth. When he was thirteen he discovered that he could use his animal hunting skills to “sniff’ out the suckers. Too bad they usually saw him coming & ran for safety.

Being anti-social he made few friends. The chums that he did have he ate. Clipper felt that thinning the heard was a good thing. Many a holiday meal was prepared by Clipper & enjoyed by the surviving members of the carnival troupe. All was well until the day of the incident. That events is never to be spoken of. The Bothers were told that their days of being circus performers had come to a close & the final curtain was rung in. When the day came for the Swinging Johnson Brothers to leave the nest they had called home for so many years & go their separate ways,

Clipper felt lost & alone. For this was the third time he had lost a family & the anxiety was almost too much for his fragile physique to handle. He took his meager earnings & locked himself in a Motel 6 for a month doing nothing but eating Taco Bell and watching Three Stooges videos and building a huge resentment toward Curly. “Shemp was so much funnier and had better hair.”

When he emerged from his cocoon he felt reborn like a beautiful butterfly, or in the case of Clipper Johnson a moth. But that matters not. With a sense of renewal in his life he set out to discover the real person that was L. Clipper Johnson. He decided that life to date had been filled with such turmoil & despair that he would try something so completely different. He went to work in a flower shop. That lasted for less than four hours. You see there was no way that Clipper could be nice to these people who felt like all the problems in the world could be fixed by a simple bouquet of colored petals.

He was very outspoken on this. “Oh I am sure this will make them feel better. You know if I had my spleen removed a arrangement of dead flowers would make me feel so much better.” Said with much sarcasm and the flailing of arms. Needless to say that was not the appropriate profession for him. Shortly after that it was suggested that he join an anger management support group.

It took him less than three sessions to convince not only the others in need of support but the psychiatrist that led the group that anger was a good thing and they should all embarrass hostility with open arms. Though these meetings Clipper found that he really did not like people & being true to his nature he got a job at a mortgage company taking peoples homes and drinking coffie. This he loved. “If I can make at least five people cry a day then I know I doing a good job.”

One of the greatest highlights was the faithful day when he foreclosed on Merle & Earl’s Conjoined Circus. Shortly after he received a message form his Brothers & the family was going to get back together. Not that he cared, but he figured that with the moral support of his family he might come to grips with the dark forces that had lived inside him for all these years. Either that or he could make them join him on the dark side. That has yet to happen.

Clipper now spends his days trying to find his tolerance levels for caffeine. This might explain his total disregard for human life. It gets really bad when there is a full moon.